“Countless studies (and common sense) have established that we tend to like more those who like us. When we find out that someone thinks well of us, we in turn are unconsciously driven to find him or her more likeable as well.”

“Oddly enough, studies conclude that if someone started out not liking you and gradually came around to liking you, they will eventually like you more than if they had liked you right from the beginning. Keep in mind, if you don’t have a great relationship with them, don’t do a “180”, suddenly making this person your best friend. Studies show us that gradual liking is infinitively more effective than instantly becoming someone’s best friend. So don’t be overwhelming and ‘out of the blue’ their number-one fan. To engage the law of reciprocal affection gradually, let it be known that you are fond of this person.”

-David J. Lieberman, P.H.D

One of the questions I get often is, “how do I show interest to girls in my social circle or new girls I meet, without coming off as creepy?” While the answer is not always simple, I’m going to show you a deadly technique I use to engage girls that I want to escalate things with who may not be showing much interest back towards me. It is based on the psychological principles above.

As mentioned above, we tend to like people more who like us back. This means that being an asshole to everyone you meet is a sure-fire way to not make new friends/romantic partners, especially in college (I learned this the hard way…). But at the same time, showing too much interest into a chick at first is a sure-fire way to creep out girls, especially in college (I learned this the hard way too…). So the trick is to have the girl gradually win you over.

When you’ve built up a solid social circle, you will get to the point where you are seeing some of the same cuties every weekend, even without getting their digits or planning to meet up… They will just be at the same party/social gathering/bar. This is great, because it means there is less pressure to show interest, or “close-the-deal” right away. It also means you have more room for error. If you are trying to pick up a random at a bar, the margin for error can be razor thin. If you are going to see her again multiple times you have more leeway for small fuck-ups.

In social situations, as with regular “pick-ups”, you ideally want to play the role of the selector. She is winning you over, not vice versa. If you show too much interest too early, she will often take you for granted, and if you end up getting with her, it will be you who got lucky. You want to make it so she is the one who got lucky.

Well, if you’ve read anything in the seduction community, this is probably old news to you. Now I’m going to give you some ways that this applies to conversations in college to frame the whole concept of you being the selector, and then at the end of the post explain how it applies to this psychological principle, and give you a word-for-word technique to use.

So how do you play the role of a selector in college? One thing I like to do is to make a playful assumption when she tells you something about herself. For example, if she says “I’m majoring in engineering”. You can respond with, “Oh god, not an engineer… all the engineers I’ve met have a really similar personality type, but you seem really different, in a good way… that’s crazy. So why’d you decide to be an engineer?” I totally came up with that on the fly, but it’s a solid example of a push-pull that creates intrigue and puts you in the role of a selector (or just damn good flirting). She is proving herself to you.

Another suggestion I have recommended to students to get themselves in the mindset of being the selector and not just another dude applying for the job of vagina maintenance (or being her boyfriend) is to go a week without making any “qualifying” statements. I consider a “qualifying” statement as any statement that puts you in the role of proving yourself to someone. So this would entail eliminating anything that could come across as bragging, anything that is said with even the slightest intention of trying to impress someone or get something from someone. Trying to gain other people’s approval is low value behavior, high status people rarely need to brag or prove themselves to others, thus many times they are more humble. If you can go a full week without qualifying yourself to anyone in any circumstance, I guarantee you will have others qualifying themselves and trying to prove themselves to you, putting you in the selector role.

So we’ve learned a little bit about the selector role, and a little bit about people liking people who find them likeable as well. Now let’s combine them for a sweet technique to experiment with. I’ve had some really stellar results from this, so I encourage you to try it.

As the second quote says, we will many times end up liking people more who we initially did not like at all. I would argue that in many case this works the opposite way as well… if someone didn’t particularly like you at first, but you won them over, the bond between you two would be stronger. Have you ever heard girls say, “I thought you were such a dick when I first met you…”? I’ve heard this exact quote from some of the girls who have gotten the most attached to me, this shit is powerful.

Now I’m not suggesting you go around being a dick to girls, not at all. What I’m proposing is kind of reversing the roles. I’m going to tell you a quick story to demonstrate this technique.

So I recently and quickly become good friends with this guy Pete. We were quick friends because we had a lot in common, and luckily he had a ton of hot female friends to introduce me to. This one in particular, we’ll call her BlondePrincess, was absolutely gorgeous…. And she was also completely cold to me. He introduced me to her, and she showed little signs of even acknowledging me. I tried to have a neutral conversation with her, and she would just give me one-word answers. So the first night I met her I didn’t really talk to her much, and just focused on having fun, and hitting on other girls.

The second time we all hung out, I had established a little more value within the social group. Her and her friends understood that I was a cool, chill guy, and I was good friends with her friend Pete. She warmed up a little bit, but still was generally cold.

The third time we hung out, she started opening up a little bit more. Nothing big, but she said a few things that were cool, cute, and generally impressed me. She said something that made me laugh eventually, and I respond with this (read carefully) :

“Hahaha wow, that is hilarious… You know what BlondePrincess, I have something to confess…(paused for effect)… when I first met you, I wasn’t really sure about you, to be honest I thought you were just a tiny bit of a bitch. But now that we’ve hung out a few times, you’ve really showed me your cool side, and I’m impressed! Come here, give me a hug!”

After this point, BlondePrincess completely loved me. She took on the role of a cool girl who was extremely friendly with me after I dropped this. There was a little bit of “I can’t believe you thought I was a bitch!” but it was all playful and in good fun.

Do you see what that statement does? First off, it rewards her good behavior. You can’t drop this without her earning it, even if the thing that she does is extremely small. Second off, it puts you in the role of the selector. You are the one who is deciding she is cool, she has lived up to your standard and you are rewarding it. Third off, it evokes two psychological principles, reciprocal likeability and stronger bonds with people who you originally did not like.

Needless to say, things ended very well with me and this girl. And since her, I’ve dropped this, or something similar on many a girl. It is especially effective on girls who are initially cold to you.

The basic formula is,

A)    She does something cool that deserves a reward

B ) You respond by telling her you have something to confess to her.

C)    Indicate that you were unsure about her at first. Be careful when using “bitch” like I did in the above example. I only used it because the word definitely was being used by her that night, and I had the intuition that it would be socially appropriate. Anything that indicates that you were unsure about her when you first met her should be fine.

D)    Tell her that she has revealed a cool/chill/fun side to you and indicate that you are impressed with her

E)    (Optional) full on hug

Variations of this will work in many circumstances. I’ve used these principles on the first night, second night, or months after initially meeting a girl. The formula is pretty flexible.

Have fun with this,

Francis Adams